The birthday-party industrial complex
As my kids are getting older, we are desperately pushing them away from birthday parties. It’s not because we are birthday scrooges, but more because the amount we end up spending on these parties far exceeds what we think they’re worth.
My son is very much on board Team “Experience,” while my daughter was a bit trickier to get on the bandwagon. My son, however, asked if we could go on a Royal Caribbean cruise, and he takes after his mother, who lives by “go big or go home.” Spoiler: We will not be going on a cruise.
Alas, this year, she has arrived. She narrowed down her “experience” options to an amusement park or a water park. Neither is exactly my forte. When I think of Great Wolf Lodge, I envision horror movie music playing in my head. This is no shade to the Wolf; it’s more a personal anxiety and irrational fear of coxsackievirus that ruins this experience for everyone in my orbit.
My Four-Shirted Husband came up with a genius idea: Let’s go to the American Dream mall in Jersey. They can ride the rides at Nickelodeon Universe and fly down the slides at the DreamWorks Water Park while I live my best life on the IR (injured reserve) list due to indoor-water-park anxiety and herniated discs.
These two parks are attached to a three-million-square-foot supermall, apparently the second-largest in America, but let it be known: it’s roughly at 80% capacity. I nodded my head in agreement so fast no one realized my neck had moved so swiftly.
A gift of three uninterrupted hours
The family took the train, and I had the joyous experience of driving completely alone to meet them in New Jersey after work. 2.5 hours of traffic, not so great — but 2.5 hours alone, eating honey braided twists and listening to a podcast = heaven.
What does one wear to an experience like this? I must’ve changed a few times. I knew I needed to prioritize comfort, a questionable climate, and easy on-and-off access so I can actually go to a fitting room, GASP. I ended up with this fit:
When the clock hit 11 o’clock, I was essentially in a crouched start, ready to go! I honestly wasn’t sure how much time I’d have — would it be two hours? Three hours? EVEN MORE HOURS? The world was truly my oyster.
I was so excited that I don’t think I really even noticed the outside of the building. It may be ugly; I’m not even quite sure. But if Chris Christie said it… well… we can’t exactly trust it, tbh (#bridgegate).
Upon entering the mall, I thought it was nice! It looked clean, there was a lot of natural light, a fake flower garden of some sort, weird abstract art, but honestly, I did not care. I had to make my first stop and fuel up.
STOP 1: FUEL
Even though I only drink decaf these days, it tricks my brain into feeling caffeinated and ready to go. I really wanted to try Cortaditos to get a delicious café con leche. I felt as if, for a moment, I was transported to Havana, except I wasn’t. I was just an average girl in the ugliest building in America.
STOP 2: SOME SHOPPING VICTORIES
I cannot tell you the last time I really shopped in person. If anything, I feel like it made me realize how enjoyable of an experience this can be when you’re solo and have nowhere to be.
I didn’t go as rogue as you may have expected. I ended up shopping in so many different stores but really luxuriated in the experience at these two:
ARITZIA
I think I spent a good deal of time and money in this spot because their clothing really demands a try-on before you know where you stand with it.
WINNERS:
UNIQLO
WINNERS:
Also, who knew you could design your own shirts? We designed it on the tablet and it was ready in literally ten minutes. My daughter loved this as we recreated the t-shirt design below:
I also enjoyed going to some stores that I don’t think I’ve ever shopped in real life. Primark? What on earth was that? Fascinating. The Altar’d State store was literally stunning. And then, well, the rest of the time I spent browsing and appreciating. Mainly because my bags were getting le heavy, and the whole “can’t ride water slides because of my neck” excuse wasn’t going to work if I was carrying 150 lbs of purchases upon our reuniting.
STOP 3: RELUCTANTLY REUNITED
1:00 p.m. on the dot, I got the text. The water park fun had met its expiration date. I titled this “Reluctantly Reunited,” but honestly, I missed the gang (though I definitely could’ve used some more time)! I was ready to take the squad to the stores where I had seen things I was positive they would love.
We also made some pit stops at some “kid-friendly” experiences, such as:
Dream Riders (aka large plush animals that kids and adults ride, causing literal havoc around the mall. Apparently, there have already been lawsuits!)
And an important FYI: There are a ton of Groupons for things in the mall.
STOP 4: RE-RE-FUEL
It was 2:00 p.m., and I hadn’t eaten lunch. I experienced the cultural joy of the food court. Some chicken dumplings and shrimp noodle soup were enough to keep me energized.
After watching the kids (and many full-grown adults) race each other and almost run over innocent mall shoppers on those animal rider things, we decided it was time to eat some actual dinner. Loved the food at Yard House, and we loved even more that we were able to watch people on the indoor ski hill.
Dessert is a non-negotiable, plus we totally earned it. The daily steps were equivalent to a day at Magic Kingdom. We knew there were two spots we really wanted to try before we departed:
A perfect chocolate chip cookie at Bang Cookies.
Worth every bite: the pumpkin cheesecake cookie dough ice cream in a waffle cup at Van Leeuwen!
STOP 5: 17,000 STEPS LATER…
Cozy in my bed, watching Harry Potter with the gang. Not sure there is anywhere else I’d rather be.
I need to give a final shoutout to my unsung hero of the day: my Salomon sneakers. Not only do my feet feel excellent, but the ability to slip my shoes on and off as I entered a fitting room was critical.
As for my outfit pick, it was solid. By two hours in, the windbreaker came off, the guns were out, and the tank was a lifesaver. I had truly broken a sweat.
And that’s our 24 hours at the ugliest damn building in New Jersey. I know there are a lot of issues around this building, what it represents, and for the residents who live nearby. Apparently, many also believe it’s cursed. Great, exactly what I need: cursed-Coxsackie energy.
But in lieu of a bounce house party, it was a great family experience. To my kids’ dismay, we did not get to do every single activity the mall has to offer. Things were expensive! But that’s life. We can enjoy the highs and learn to live with the disappointment.
Would I go back? For an opportunity to shop alone while there are things that keep my shopping-hating family busy… hard yes.
I do not need to come to New Jersey every time I want to shop in real life. I have plenty of options near where I live, and I think I am going to incorporate this into my routine more. Hitting complete checkout is much more impulsive and simpler than trying something on and being forced to lug it around a hot mall for 17,000 steps.
Hope you enjoyed this one! Let’s crush the week!
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Oh a good mall trip! I hope mall stay forever they are so much fun! That’s a huge mall amiga, and I’m so happy you had time for yourself to go shopping. I didn’t know you can design t-shirts at Uniqlo!
I laughed so hard after reading : "I felt as if, for a moment, I was transported to Havana, except I wasn’t. I was just an average girl in the ugliest building in America."
and I love the custom Pokemon shirt! its so cuteeee!!!